Dating can be challenging for anyone. Throw having arthritis into the mix, and you’re faced with figuring out when to tell new partner about your condition.Disclosing to a new partner can be daunting, but these expert tips can help make the big reveal less intimidating.
Time It Right
There’s no “perfect” time to tell someone about your arthritis, but it may be best to wait a few dates in, says Julie Payne, licensed marriage and family therapist and director at the California Marriage and Family Institute. “First dates are for gauging compatibility,” says Payne, who also hasrheumatoid arthritis. “Sharing too soon may be too emotional and show a side of yourself the other person has yet to earn.”
But waiting too long may bring up trust issues and raise questions about what else you’re hiding, she says. Payne says she experienced relationship problems after hiding her condition from an ex-boyfriend.
“He was a doctor and I was afraid what he knew about the disease would scare him away,” she says. “But he was more upset that I waited so long to tell him.” Payne says hiding her condition was one of the reasons they eventually parted ways.
Payne suggests telling your partner as soon as you sense the relationship could turn into something more serious – whether that’s the third date or third month in.
First Date Exceptions
加州大学洛杉矶分校放射肿瘤系的执业临床社会工作者莉兹·莫拉索说，如果你决定在第一次约会时就告诉别人，那也没关系。但要诚实地面对自己这么快就分享的意图。If you’re looking for emotional support or validation, that probably won’t happen on the first date with a stranger and could scare them off, says Morasso, who also has rheumatoid arthritis andlupus. But if having arthritis has helped to shape who you are, and you want to share that, it’s fine, she says.
瑞安·康纳是一名研究生，也是关节炎基金会弗吉尼亚州领导委员会的青年主席，他更喜欢从一开始就公开自己的病情。他说，这有助于淘汰不接受的伴侣。此外，他说为关节炎基金会工作是他生活中如此重要的一部分，以至于几乎总是在谈话中出现，即使只是一次偶然的咖啡约会。
You may also need to disclose your condition if you have a visible disability or temporary impairment. Although Payne suggests waiting for a few dates, she admits to telling her husband on their first date. “That daymy arthritis was affecting my footand I was limping, so I was honest with the reason why,” she says. “It obviously worked out.”
However, there is one rule that Payne and Morasso say to stick to – never reveal your condition during intimacy. “It can be a real mood killer and there’s a chance you won’t get an honest response when both of you are caught up in the moment,” says Payne.
Morasso补充说，在性生活中吐露真情对你的伴侣也不公平，他们可能需要更多的时间来处理这个消息。除非你的关节炎会影响到你的实际行为，否则最好在卧室之外保持严肃的对话。
Keep It Positive
When you finally tell, be confident and optimistic. “Using a fearful or depressing tone can make your partner feel the same about your condition,” says Mark Lumley, a Detroit psychologist who researches the effects of disclosing chronic illness. Instead, confidently share how you manage your condition and your plans to have a healthy, happy future despite any challenges along the way, he says.
Conner says to share ways arthritis has changed your life for the better. Do you appreciate the simpler things in life more? Has it brought you closer to your family? Have you made new friends because of it or volunteer in new ways? Use arthritis to showcase the best version of yourself, he says.
最后，保持随意。如果你的伴侣邀请你去远足，而你不愿意，不要纠结于你为什么不能。只要提出一个替代方案，然后继续前进。佩恩说，专注于你能做什么，而不是你不能做什么，会让你的状况正常化。
After the Big Reveal
If your partner isn’t immediately receptive, don’t despair. Receiving difficult or surprising news can be tough, so give your partner time to process the information. Expect questions about your limitations, fertility, treatments and future health outcomes. But be clear that arthritis is not terminal, and you can lead full life with some adaptations along the way, says Lumley.
If you give your partner plenty of time and they still don’t support you the way you want, let them know. Otherwise, you may need to move on.
生活就是风雨兼程。如果有人因为你有关节炎而不想留在你身边或支持你，这是他们的问题，而不是你!你想要一个能和你一起承受挑战的伴侣，关节炎等等。
每个人都会经历排斥，不管有没有关节炎。所以，坚持住!
Author: Robyn Abree
Research for this article funded by Alpha Omicron Pi Fraternity and Foundation
Related Resources:
- Telling a New Partner About Your Arthritis
- What to Do When Your Friends and Spouse Are Healthy – And You’re Not
- 5 Tips for Managing Chronic Illness in a Marriage
- Improve Communication with Your Spouse
- Voices: Are You Grateful for Your Arthritis?